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[May. 24th, 2006|03:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
I find myself growing increasingly numb to stimuli. Mental, physical, emotional. My response of late to anything has just been a flat stare. Its not healthy and im starting to worry about my state of mind. I think my friends and coworkers are too, not that ive been particularly sociable at any point in my life, but they seem to be working extra hard to get me out and doing things, failing to do so mostly but attempting it nonetheless. Its times like these i really hate having a psychologist for a mother, joking or not serious or not having her talk about your sociopathic tendencies when you're growing up leaves something of an impression on you. Especially post abuse. Thats neither here nor there i suppose, either i'll get better or I wont, and in that case I'll either seek help or wont, which will work or it wont and from there I'll just have to take what comes. Not that any of this was the reason for updating here. I never seem to find the time until im distressed about something.
A year ago my great grandmother died. She practically raised me, and DID raise my dad so it was a fairly significant hit even if she was 97 years old. The only thing that makes this relevant or significant was that her son, my great uncle, did not treat her very well at the end of her life. He moved her out of the house she'd lived in for 40+ years with her husband before he passed, and took her up to Redding. Previously my dad and my 2 uncles had been paying for someone to come in and help her around the house, cook for her, see that she ate, given that we are all at least half the length of california away from where she is, farther for some. She had cancer, but none of us knew about it, we found out when we got the phone call that she was in the hospital passing away, a quick trip down to say our goodbyes and we found out that my great uncle was barely visiting her. I thank god every day for my cousin Andy who is too good for this world staying up all night to be with her. I'd like to say our visit down there was good for her, she was lucid enough to recognize us but i cant help but feel like we abandoned her...we had to leave to return to work, and two days later she died alone in a hospital two hundred miles away from the only home she'd had for four decades. I think I'm still carrying some guilt about that around with me. The relevance to this is that our Uncle sold off a lot of heirlooms, memorabilia at a yard sale when he moved our grandmother out of her house. And now he's harping at my dad to come get the rest of it because its in his new wifes mothers garage and she's moving. There were things in there that dad had given up for lost, that had a great deal of meaning to him. I assume they're gone, know they're gone, a coffee table made of a solid slab of Jade the size of a computer desk doesnt "not sell" at a yardsale. I'm a bit concerned about my dads reaction to actually being confronted with evidence that its gone however. His stepdad used to beat the tar out of him...and that was one of the projects he had to do as a teenager or else..get the shit kicked out of him, come home from school, do his homework, sand down this jade slab. If that wasnt enough emotional energy vested into an object, years later he found out he was sent out there to do that so that Suede..his stepdad could molest my uncle, his younger brother. A powerful object to be sold at a yardsale.
I just hope i dont end up visiting my dad in jail for the last years of his life. |
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| Just stop it folks..please, this is ridiculous. |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|04:16 pm] |
So, as of last night I was expecting this whole thing to blow over completely, since it hasnt I guess I have no personal recourse but to piss off everyone involved at me.
1. Happy holidays/Merry christmas are NOT offensive terms whether you're christian or not, if you get offended by either you're being completely oversensitive.
2. Posting Private messages publicly is an act of pure douchery, there can be no reason for that except to further mock and attempt to shame the person whose message you posted, make you feel big to make people sad over the internet?
3. Right or wrong You're judged by the company you keep, defending an asshole while they were being an asshole is nearly as bad as being an asshole in the first place, just because theyre nice to YOU doesnt mean theyre a nice person overall, and being a friend doesnt mean trying to shield your friend from the repercussions of being cruel/assholish/stupid, nor does it mean not telling them to their face what they did was boneheaded, it means accepting that theyre human and do stupid shit that hurts people.
4. For christs sake, whats with getting upset with some asshole over the internet, the people who know you well enough to matter wont be affected by what he has to say, the people who know him and are worth knowing arent going to suddenly hold a spate of some guys asshole behavior against you. You will likely never meet most of the people who are cocksuckers to you on the internet face to face, so who fucking cares what they have to say!
Overall im pretty fucking disappointed at the rapidfire series of overreactions amongst my friends and family regarding what in all essence amounts to trivial bullshit. I wonder more and more why i fucking bother farting around on the internet anymore since all it seems to do is raise my bloodpressure and dump me in the center of feuds between friends.
So on to the point, Merry FUCKING Christmas and Happy FUCKING Holidays, hopefully in a week or two when everyone looks back and realizes how fucking blown out of proportion this whole thing was on all sides, itl end in a good laugh at themselves. |
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| Late night anxiety attack |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|03:02 am] |
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Wow...been forever since ive updated this, and i think this has to be the first time ive posted anything relevant too. Amazing what a night spent thrashing the bedsheets in an unnameable unquantifiable dread will do. Sure im quitting a job ive held for four years, but ive got a months worth of bills and rent and food in cash, a family that wont let me go homeless or starve and a fiscally sound roommate who i probably dont deserve to have as a roomate. Lately ive just been twitching in paranoia...things SEEM to be going well and i cant stop jumping, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Simple little things like what could easily be an inflamed lymph node or spider bite send me into paroxisms of terror at the thought of cancer, my stomach is so upset the very act of coughing makes me puke if ive had anything to eat in the past hour. Did my uncle actually follow through with his offer to pay my old college bill? I havent heard anything from him, OR the collection agency so who fucking knows...and why am i worried about it? I skipped a muffin on friday, we may well run out of that kind by monday, why i feel guilt about this for a job i have 4 days of work left on and only paid me 8 dollars an hour (75 cents over min wage here in oregon) after four years of loyal work I have no idea. Jesus, right now id give up everything just to have a week or two of inner peace. Ive done my best to keep life as simple as possible, and still this sort of shit hounds me...I shudder to think what life would be like if i had a kid, a relationship, much in the way of stuff to worry about too. There are so many things i want to just write out of my life, but i have nothing to fill the gaps...my obsessions with games and escapism leaves me with nothing to fill my life with as i grow out of enjoying them. |
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| hmmm |
[May. 9th, 2005|11:25 pm] |
I always seem to end up doing these things when people put them up...its like some bizzare compulsion. There should be a psychological study done.
Your Political Profile
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Overall: 30% Conservative, 70% Liberal
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Social Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
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Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
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Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal
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Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
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Defense and Crime: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 26th, 2005|05:53 pm] |
Your brain: 60% interpersonal, 100% visual, 160% verbal, and 80% mathematical!
| Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy
doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than
average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing
about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers.
Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious:
- Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%.
- Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%.
- Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 73% on interpersonal | | You scored higher than 76% on visual | | You scored higher than 98% on verbal | | You scored higher than 69% on mathematical |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|11:43 pm] |
Si... Silicon
You scored 52 Mass, 39 Electronegativity, 20 Metal, and 80 Radioactivity! |
Interesting. Take a bunch of really common person-elements and throw
them together to get something truely exceptional... that's you. You
are probably someone that gave up on trying to understand society at
large a long time ago. You don't fear it, but you don't try to be one
with it either. You are more or less unperturbed by things... if a
problem comes up you might deal with it, or you might avoid it...
whatever. You don't take kindly to people pushing you around, and you
don't really push anyone else around. You're probably the only one that
can tame oxygen simply because you don't understand it's raging
neediness, but that doesn't mean that you'll really enjoy having a tame
oxygen hanging around all that much either. You can probably get along
with people like yourself really well, but you aren't your own
soulmate... if only they could make entire colonies of people like you
you'd be stoked. Just like you don't understand society, society
doesn't understand you... and yes that is my excuse for not knowing how
to describe you better. |  |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 82% on Mass | | You scored higher than 74% on Electroneg | | You scored higher than 1% on Metal | | You scored higher than 97% on Radioactivity |
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| Stupid Whiny Poor Me Edition. |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|04:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sepultura-Chaos A.D. | ] |
Alllllright, so...starting off 2005.
1) Close friend gets addicted to meth, loses his job and basically becomes a deadbeat. I have to talk to his parents to get him moved home and put into rehab. I move in with our mutual friend and his roommate so he doesnt have to move out.
2) Nick, converts to catholicism, and after 7 days with a new girlfriend starts polling his friends about when its appropriate to start pondering marriage to her. Incidentally, she wont sleep with someone she's not married to.
3) My new aunt gets brain cancer, they discover that chemotherapy is killing her faster than the cancer is...and have to pull her off that and onto radiation. Signs do not look good.
4) My cousin Maureen gets into a bad car wreck, and it comes out she's addicted to oxycontin.
5) My cousin Laura breaks up with her husband, who she just had a baby with, as he was cheating on her.
6) My cousin Matt is now in Iraq, undoubtedly being shot at.
7) Two weeks ago we got a speech at work, saying profits were down 25% from last year, so they would need to be cutting back on hours. I get my paycheck for 187 bucks for 2 weeks of work and wonder why exactly i continue at this job.
8) Today, on my way out to the job i wonder why im still at, I find a letter on the door. apparently meth friend did NOT turn in the condition report. (The this shit was wrong with the place before we moved in so we're not responsible form) As a result...there is slim to no chance of getting ANY of the deposit back, as there was a huge crack in the front door and several burns in the carpet before we moved in that we now cannot prove we didnt do. Fortunately ive already paid him 100 dollars toward the deposit when i moved in. ><
9) Yet another friend who obviously cannot handle relationships informs me that the man she was complaining to me that she dumped because he was aggressive, tried to arrange her house to suit him, and once pushed her down into a chair hard, is now having his baby, and he's completely changed and theyre together again.
All this shit surrounds me, yet none of it is directly my doing...I AM THE EYE OF THE MOTHERFUCKING STORM HERE!!!
But seriously...05 is shaping up to be a GREAT fucking year thus far. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2005|02:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | duh? | ] |
So Yeah....It probably says something about me that i consider "The Song Remains The Same" to be the penultimate Love Song (tm)
It just resonates the joy of what it feels like to throw yourself into being in love without reservation or hesitation. An anthem of joy unashamed at the world hearing and sharing in it.
It probably says something about me, but im not really sure what it is. |
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| Moving |
[Feb. 6th, 2005|12:29 pm] |
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Yay for moving! It really only took about one day once I had a truck. Now comes unpacking. Boo for unpacking. |
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| meh |
[Jan. 30th, 2005|10:02 pm] |
So, yesterday I did it, went to my friends house and told his family about his meth addiction. Today they came and carted him off home and hopefully to rehab. As much as you KNOW you did the right thing...theres still this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that i just cut our friendships throat.
In an ironic twist ive decided to drink til im over it. |
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| Blah |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|12:00 am] |
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Why did i even bother signing up for this thing if i wasnt going to post in it. |
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| So, just starting off with a happy note, since i signed up for this while i was down. |
[Jan. 23rd, 2005|07:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  good | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cake: Going the Distance | ] |
For some reason tonight im in a really good mood. Just very appreciative of my friends and family. Some days even all the shit that starts piling up on you cant keep you down. Moving soon, back into a place i can finally call my own, which means buying more tapestries, posters, etc so that i dont have a bare walled room. Which is convenient because work has started to pay off..my new schedule is paying me enough that i can afford to do that. Yay shopping for decorations. |
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